


swallow the stars not sorrow

by Su1010



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Affection, Empathy, Fluff, Heartbreak, Love, M/M, Pining, Post-Timeskip, References to Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, it's not angst WOOO
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:20:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28383870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Su1010/pseuds/Su1010
Summary: In which we watch Miya Atsumu grow up and experience the seven types of love; only to realise he wants just one.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 7
Kudos: 150





	swallow the stars not sorrow

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm back with my last fic for this year; longer pieces will be coming next year and I have TONS of ideas I'm working on so keep your eyes open hehe. This was largely inspired by Yuri on Ice (the Agape and Eros performances) and I wanted to delve into the seven types of love according to Greek mythology. But at the end of the day it's just Atsumu finding his way to Sakusa and they get their fairytale ending in this one, I promise <3

**i) STORGE - LOVE OF THE CHILD**

They say the greatest thing in the world is to have someone who understands you and knows you better than you know yourself. To have someone who will find you at the darkest of times and lead you towards the light at the end of the tunnel. To have someone who despite it all, would choose you over, and over again. For Miya Atsumu, this was his twin brother, Miya Osamu.

Their mother had expected one son, but was unexpectedly blessed with two. They were showered with love the moment they arrived in this world, doted on by both parents and adored by everyone who saw them. Just as their surname bore the meaning of shrine, perhaps they too, were seen as Gods by all those who revered them.

Over the years, the twins grew apart in terms of liking different things. Osamu had the tendency to mingle with others whenever he met new people while Atsumu hung back, reluctance shrouding his frail body – keeping him in the shadows. He watched from afar as his brother made friends and lost them over the years. He didn’t understand how Osamu could bear to get attached to someone and let them go.

Their mum had taught them a saying a long time – _“if you love something, you’ll let them go.”_

Atsumu had heard a similar line in a song years later, as he sat in a coffee shop and let his fingers tap on the glass table, following the rhythm like a lamb lost in a flowering meadow following the hounds home. _“If you love me, don’t let go.”_

Atsumu never knew what to make of it, of love and how fleeting and temporary it seemed. All he knew was that as long as he had Osamu by his side, he would never be lonely.

**ii) PHILIA - AFFECTIONATE LOVE**

There was a dichotomy between mellow Osamu and brazen Atsumu and the stark contrast between the things they liked drew a fine line at a single agreement – volleyball. The competitive sport somehow attracted both brothers with its six roles in a match, allowing both brothers to be on the court at the same time without one having to compromise and sacrifice.

This was where Atsumu learned about a different type of love, the affectionate type when he looked at his teammates and found himself longing for something he had never had and was unable to name. He found it in the way Kita-san used to address them after games and the way Kita left a care package for him when he was sick - filled with his favorite food and a note telling Atsumu to get some rest.

He found it in the way Aran would look out for them over the years ever since they had known him and the way he would buy food for the twins after matches, always there to remind them of home whenever they had training camps far away.

He found it in the way Suna would make them laugh with memes he found on Instagram and the way he would smirk when told to choose his favorite twin _(he would always answer he couldn’t choose but years later Atsumu realised that his eyes would always linger on Osamu longer)._

Atsumu found this love to be on the same level as the love he had for his family. To him this was an extension of that same type of love, for he considered this volleyball team his family too. Even his love for the sport itself could not rival the love he had for the people who introduced it to him and the people he now played it with.

Years later when he was offered a spot in the professional league as well as the national team, only then did Atsumu realise that his love for the sport was a diminishing light compared to the ever-glowing hue that he had in his eyes whenever he saw his old teammates come to his matches.

**iii) AGAPE - SELFLESS LOVE**

Unconditional love was something that came easily to Atsumu. He always had too much love to give, wearing his heart on his sleeve and letting it bleed all across the flowers blooming within his garden for one. He had no difficulty in giving love to anyone who needed it; but perhaps that was the problem, for he had forgotten a long time ago to leave just enough for himself.

The day he and Osamu had come across a stray cat lying in the street, staining the gravel crimson, Atsumu knew he was in trouble for he felt the tears escape from the corner of his eyes the moment the cat drew its last breath and he and Osamu had buried it in the nearby woods.

You might have argued it was empathy, that anyone in Atsumu’s position would have wept for the innocent creature that had lost its life for no reason other than a car simply going too fast. But when Atsumu shed tears after he saw his captain kissing their best friend in the locker room after winning a match, would you engage in a debate that what he was feeling was empathy? Or would you concede that maybe Atsumu had loved Kita a little too much and now had a hollow space in his chest where his heart used to be when he saw him kissing Aran?

Atsumu seemed to be the sole witness in all his friends’ illicit affairs, and this included his brother whom he caught kissing Suna on the day they graduated high school. He had unintentionally been lingering in the boys’ washroom when the pair came in, hands wrapped around each other and he locked himself in a bathroom stall.

Suna had been the one to ask the question, _“does Atsumu know about us yet?”_

What Atsumu didn’t expect was Osamu’s answer to the question, _“I’ll tell him slowly.”_

In the lingering throes of deafening silence when they left was where Atsumu was made aware that too much love was not always a good thing, that it could kill you if it was left festering for too long under your tongue like all those unspoken words he no longer wanted lodged in his throat.

**iv) EROS - LOVE OF THE BODY**

Growing up also meant drifting apart and Atsumu was taken aback when his brother said he no longer wanted to pursue volleyball, opting for a culinary route instead. Atsumu had been supportive even though he desperately wanted his brother by his side on the court; but he had always been selfless, wanting Osamu to reach great heights no matter what. So, the twins who had been together for so long were separated, and Atsumu learned that sometimes it was better to speak than to keep his mouth shut, but it was too late for that now.

He found other people to fill the void inside his heart. People whose bodies he could touch – tangible. People whose bodies he could run his fingers over and forget for a while that this type of love would only bring him pain. Physical pain was always a better option than trying to explain what went on inside his head.

He met men at nightclubs, approached them and talked well. Found common interests, strummed their strings akin to those of a broken guitar. Let the distorted melody lead him to what his heart desired to forget – that he was alone and struggling to survive. Each moan and thrust served to drill into his head what he wanted desperately to forget – that sex was a replacement for everything else. That sex was as empty as the cage of bones residing in his chest with withered petals adorning it. That at the end of the day no matter what Atsumu called this, it could never be called love, it never was.

It wasn’t until the night he spent at a rich man’s apartment overlooking the city of New York where they were for an away game, as he stood at the window and inhaled nicotine from a cigarette, that Atsumu was willing to admit this wasn’t love, not at all. This was not in any form beautiful; it was just a coping mechanism of sorts. And when he fell to the ground clutching the remnants of his tattered heart to his chest, only then was he allowed to fall apart after years of holding himself together.

**v) LUDUS - PLAYFUL LOVE**

If you asked Miya Atsumu what Sakusa Kiyoomi was to him, he would tell you that the man was a teammate and nothing more. He would tell you that the 22-year-old who donned a mask shrouding his features at all times during all occasions was simply a friend of his who spent three minutes too long washing his hands and loved to use sarcasm as a response to questions. Atsumu would tell you there was nothing more to them, except the one time he stayed back to watch Sakusa practice and fell a little in love with him.

It had been a Friday evening like any other and their practice session had just ended. Meian had told everyone to go home but didn’t bother to actually stick around and play babysitter, assuming everyone was drained and would obediently heed his instructions. _(He was very wrong)._ Atsumu came out of the shower and heard the familiar thump of the ball against the walls. He stood at the entrance of the locker room and watched Sakusa practice his spikes, entranced by the intense gaze reflected in the wing spiker’s eyes and the way his curls never hindered his vision and never affected him nor his aim.

It wasn’t until he coughed that Sakusa noticed him standing there and immediately stopped. Atsumu had apologised, scratching at the nape of his neck in an attempt to avert his gaze and not meet his teammate’s eyes. It wasn’t until Sakusa had come over and tilted his jaw to make Atsumu meet his eyes, that Atsumu realised for the first time in a long time, how much he wanted Sakusa.

This type of love was different; it wasn’t transient. Atsumu didn’t solely desire Sakusa’s bare anatomy, he wanted all of him. Every single hamartia, every crack in his armour. He wanted to hold Sakusa in his arms and wrap him in a warm embrace and fall asleep under the moonlight. It wasn’t until Sakusa kissed him that Atsumu managed to register the thought that his teammate shared similar sentiments, and he kissed Sakusa back.

**vi) PHILAUTIA - LOVE OF THE SELF**

The rest of the team had found out about their relationship during one of their away matches when Hinata had gone into the bathroom presuming there was nobody there and found Sakusa with his tongue down Atsumu’s throat. The tangerine had of course, run off to tell the others before either of the pair could tell him to keep his mouth shut _(or in Sakusa’s case, **clamp** his mouth shut). _That was how they had earned a berating from Meian in front of the rest of their teammates.

Their first argument was after one of their matches which they had managed to win; yet Atsumu felt the need to criticize one of Sakusa’s spikes which could have let them to win two straight sets instead of going into a third. Sakusa had refused to argue with his boyfriend, choosing only to tell him he could sleep alone that night and Atsumu watched as he walked out the door and realised that once more, he had ruined a good thing in his life.

Osamu was the first person he would have run to under any circumstance, but Atsumu remembered how his brother was preparing for the grand opening of his shop and he doubted Suna would offer him advice when all he did was read up on relationship advice on Wikihow and scroll through Reddit threads. He did consider Meian but then he realised he would rather die than let Meian offer him sex advice like he had done for Bokuto sometime ago.

So Atsumu let moonlight stream through his hotel room window and distinctly remembered his wish all those months ago to be lying with Sakusa under the pale hue. He was halfway there, just alone with a significantly larger hole in his chest. He felt tears stream down his cheek and realised that in his years of loving others, he had never learned to love himself enough. He was disappointed in himself, but there was nothing left to do now. Everything he touched collapsed into ashes and dust and he would too, it was merely a matter of time.

But when a knock sounded on his door to reveal Sakusa standing there, uttering words of apology through a cracked voice, Atsumu fell into his arms, and fell apart. He let Sakusa hold him as he wept for all the lovers he had poured his affection onto without ever leaving enough for himself. He let Sakusa whisper to him that he would never leave him, waiting as long as it took for him to love himself. He listened to himself tell Sakusa that he did love himself, and that Sakusa was the one who had taught him how to.

**vii) PRAGMA - LONG LASTING LOVE**

To nobody’s surprise, Osamu got married first and Atsumu was his brother’s best man. He remembered asking Osamu before the wedding how he knew Suna was the one, and he would always remember Osamu’s answer – _“he makes me want to spend the rest of my days loving him and only him.”_ When he stood beside his brother on the altar and scoured the room to meet Sakusa’s gaze and greet him with a smile, that was when he realised that he wanted to spend the rest of his days loving Sakusa too.

Their wedding was held two years later on a small beach – an intimate affair where they professed their love for each other in front of a small audience consisting of only their close friends and family. Atsumu remembered Sakusa shedding tears when Atsumu had said _“this man taught me how to love myself; how could I not love him?”_

They wore their gold wedding rings around their necks on a silver chain during matches and Atsumu would often caress his lover’s ring while Sakusa slept, trying to wrap his mind around the fact that this man was his and his alone and he got to love him for the rest of his life. They never had kids; but that didn’t make them any less of a family and Atsumu often told people that.

They attended Kita’s wedding to Aran a few years after their own and Sakusa teasingly asked Atsumu, _“you loved him too, didn’t you?”_

Atsumu had laughed in response, reaching for his husband’s hand, _“and now I get to love you.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for sticking with me throughout this year! It's been a pleasure to write for this fandom and pairing and I hope to be back soon with more. 
> 
> Come scream about Sakuatsu with me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/cherrybomb_su)


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